Sending A Closure Letter To Your Ex

Today we’re going to talk about if you should send a closure letter to your ex and I’ve decided to bring in our wonderful Head Coach Anna to help me with this article.

In this in-depth guide you’re going to learn,

If you should even think of sending a closure letter to your ex Real life examples of times sending a letter has NOT worked Situations where we think sending a letter is ok How to properly write a letter if you fall into these categories

Let’s begin!

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz Should You Send A Closure Letter To Your Ex?

There are numerous ex recovery coaches and programs that instruct its participants to write and send a letter to their exes. Some therapists even recommend it.

So, what’s the rub? Should you or shouldn’t you?

According to our internal research, for 97% of situations, do not send the letter.

And yes this includes,

Not sending a letter covering what you did wrong Saying that you’ll do better Expressing gratitude for everything your ex did Asking for another chance Saying good-bye Trying to get closure

Of course, one big question remains.

Why Should You NOT Send A Closure Letter?

Multiple reasons really,

The truth is that letters reinforce that the break-up was the right thing to do and that your ex should avoid you like the plague.

Think of it from an attachment perspective. Often times we are seeing most of our clients exhibit anxious behaviors while their exes exhibit avoidant behaviors.

Recent polls within our private facebook support group even back this up,

So, by sending a closure letter you’re often putting your deepest darkest anxious fears on the page and presenting that to your ex which only in turns triggers their avoidant side.

According to our very own Coach Anna,

Sending it with the intent of getting a response and possibly a reconciliation has never – IN THE THOUSANDS OF SITUATIONS I’VE SEEN SO FAR – never, never, never worked as hoped.

And if you think she’s lying about “thousands” of situations she’s not. Here’s the history of the amount of coaching clients we’ve taken on over the past few years on our back end,

 

You also need to consider extracurricular factors like an ex showing your letter to friends, family, and future dates as evidence of how crazy you are.

The truth is that approaching an ex takes time, patience, and emotional control.

Exes, regardless of attachment style and especially after a breakup, avoid conflict, confrontation and they run from pressure and emotional topics.

One of our more recent findings from Coach Anna is that something as simply as memory texts and texts that occur close to one another (appearing on different platforms…and by close, I mean within the same week) can be interpreted as pressure, which exes definitely run from.

LETTERS overwhelm LETTERS cause more anxiety LETTERS make you appear far too invested, desperate, and pitiable. Pity is not an emotion that gets your ex back. LETTERS make you appear that you can’t let go and refuse to let go. You are so available to the point that you would sacrifice yourself, and that is unattractive. That does not get exes back or attract new love in your life What If You feel Guilty About Something You Did In The Relationship?

Feeling uncertain, guilty or bad about what you did or did not do is insufficient reason for sending a letter.

We don’t live in the 70s or 80s. We aren’t five years old where, if we say sorry, our parent says it’s okay and then we keep going

For adults, especially if there are unresolved past traumas and negative experiences, receiving apologies or accountability letters in the incorrect form and with the incorrect timing has the effect of reliving an emotionally damaging experience

Such letters only make YOU feel better in the moment; what the recipients often feel is the BRIEF relief of acknowledgement, then unending waves of sadness, anger, and/or resignation that you will never change.

Apologies and accountability should be acknowledged in real time and, preferably, in person.

Things brings up two excellent points,

97% of the time, apologies and accountability should occur after you have built sufficient rapport, established emotional safety, and started to re-establish trust. Something as significant as an apology and accountability for the past requires a strong positive foundation first, and can be demonstrated in small ways over time from the beginning. Real Life Examples Of Times Sending A Letter Has NOT Worked

Again, Coach Anna might be the dominant authority on this matter so I’m just going to hand the reins over to her from here on,

What are some examples in which writing and sending a letter failed to achieve its goals?

There are so many that I have lost count.

However, one example is a letter written by journalist/writer and the person is now completely blocked. Several doctors – medical and otherwise – whose exes stated that the attempt was too little, too late. There was too much anxiety, silence in the relationship, or feeling disconnected. Countless salespeople, advertising, and marketing executives, whose exes have moved on to serious relationships as a result of receiving letters. People in their 20s and early 30s who are trying to recover a first love and fought often leading up to the breakup. People who were stuck at some stage in the relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend for too long, engaged for too long, casually dating for too long) for any reason (including one half of the couple is still married and other extenuating circumstances).

While an apology/accountability letter makes the sender feel honest, the effect on the receiver is both emotional and a strong reminder of how the writer refused to change for a prolonged period of time.

This brings us to another important point.

Do Not EVER Send A Letter If You Find Yourself In Any Of The Following Circumstances

Do not ever send a letter if:

Abuse or manipulation of any kind occurred.

The breakup involved damage to property. The ex had an addiction or addictions at the time of the breakup. Local law enforcement and/or lawyers were involved in the events leading up to or during the breakup. There are legal structures preventing you contacting your ex or your ex contacting you. There was any behavior that made either party or family members feel unsafe, threatened, or afraid of harm in any form.

These are circumstances under which Ex Boyfriend Recovery would strong advise you to move on, cease all interactions with your ex, and seek therapy to help you process the trauma of what occurred.

So, on the flip side what are the situations where it’s ok to send a letter.

After all, we said 97% of situations you shouldn’t be sending a letter but that means there are 3% where you should.

Circumstances In Which Sending A Letter Might Be Necessary

These are the circumstances under which sending a letter may be necessary:

Addictions or unmanaged serious mental health issues: You had addiction/addictions at the time of the breakup. It’s important to be sober for a sufficient period of time and work closely with an addiction recovery program on an accountability letter. Extremely weird stuff: You have behaved incredibly abnormally, including placing a GPS unit on your ex’s car, showing up and letting yourself into your ex’s home despite being told to not come by, towing your ex’s car from his parents’ home during a family function…actions that are so egregious that you must absolutely apologize before any rapport can be built and no amount of time will make the actions’ severity fade. (These are all scenarios we’ve encountered coaching.) Absolute refusal: Your ex refuses to meet with you in person or talk to you on the phone to hold yourself accountable, explain all the areas in which you were responsible for the demise of your relationship, and acknowledge the pain that your actions and words inflicted on your ex.

Again I want to reiterate,

a. Calling multiple times
b. Texting a lot
c. Cheating, crying

These aren’t unique enough situations to where you can send your ex a letter.

Now, staying with that line of thinking,

If You Must Send A Letter What Should It Look Like?

If you absolutely must send a letter and meet the circumstances above, you must meet the following criteria,

Done everything reasonably within your power, including given your ex a sufficient amount of silence of at least 21 days and made good faith, planned attempts to build rapport. Work with a coach or a therapist in writing this letter. It is optimal if that therapist or coach has persuasive writing experience and negotiating experience. For example, Coach Anna’s professional experience is that she was named one of the best PR executives in the United States. One of her roles was as a national media specialist, so she had to persuade journalists to incorporate her clients’ perspectives. In addition, she handled crisis situations, press conferences, and investor calls and board interactions. She also has an MBA and extensive negotiating experience and worked in strategy and communication. Keep it to one page, with normal margins and spacing. Do not allow a silence of three months or longer to pass before sending this letter, unless addiction was a factor in your breakup. 80% of the letter should come from your ex’s perspective or the relationship perspective, using you, yours, us, we, or ours. Describing how YOU view your ex or the relationship, while nice for you, accomplishes nothing. Examples include: You are so handsome to me. I miss how your hand fit in mine. References to tv shows, etc. Keep your expectations low. Do not expect an immediate response, a positive response, or a response, period. Set a reasonable goal for the letter. It is unreasonable to have the goal of your ex coming back to you with arms wide open. A reasonable goal, instead, would be to authentically apologize and your ex believe the apology. Have a reasonable and small call to action. In addition, think about what your ex’s love language is (5lovelanguages.com) and make a prioritized list of your ex’s interests, passions, and whatever makes him laugh. Craft texts around those topics. Include a visual, if you can. Real Life Dissection Of A Letter

I was prowling our private facebook support group for a real life letter to show you something interesting Coach Anna mentioned to me and stumbled across this beauty,

So, in our interview on this topic she mentioned to me that often even if we send a letter with the best intentions it comes across as selfish simply by the use of perspective.

Take a look at a simple snippet from the graphic above,

I haven’t stopped loving you. But I love you enough to know that right now is the time to let you go. I hope in 5-10 years we will be together. I won’t promise you anything. I don’t promise to wait on you because it’s me that is broken. I don’t know how long I will be like this. I’ve lost myself again.

Now, I’m assuming the ex who sent this letter had good intentions but it reads entirely selfish when you break It down.

There are 7 sentences in this snippet. Each one starts with some variation of “I” He uses the words, I, I’ve, me and myself a total of 10 times.

It reads as completely selfish and that’s the thing. Most of the time it’s not worth sending a letter because even if you have the best intentions your ex will read it as you being selfish or overly anxious.

Rather than sending a letter it’s optimal to simply behave in a changed way.

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